what now?

Posted February 21st, 2006 by Michelle

So, umm, yeah, what happens now? How do I learn to lean into this, this new relationship in my life? How do I learn to trust, to quiet down, to not wonder almost every minute if I’m going to screw this up? How do I find that elusive ease that characterized the time I spent with him before I realized how much I liked him? With all the damage done to me, how do I not question him? How do I stay secure when he’s distant or tired? Rather, how do I stay secure in a healthy way, rather than asserting (in my mind) that I don’t need him, that he could walk away tomorrow and I’d be fine? I seem to have two states of being in relationships: 1) everything is great and wonderful and unbelievable and 2) I don’t f*cking need you. I seem to be lacking the nuance that I’m sure is in between.

Most of the time I’m fine, most of the time I spend with him is truly wonderful. But every now and then it’s as if someone knocked my legs out from under me, like a powerful blast of worry, like, how could I POSSIBLY think this is going to work.

This is all so new to me. And these growing pains of learning to trust threaten to topple the balance.