Two Days to LASIK

Posted March 27th, 2006 by Michelle

I’ve felt a little paralyzed lately, not exactly in a bad way (as if there could be a good way), but in a way that sitting down to write – to write anything – seems a chore. My work life has gotten so nuts, so gray, so murky and unknown that it’s as if my creativity is being gently but firmly pulled from my brain, as if Dumbledore was standing behind me with his wand to my head, invisibly removing the creativity from my brain in long, wispy strands, and keeping them in his sieve. I’m somatizing like crazy, too- my skin has gone nuts, and if you can believe this, I have ANOTHER UTI. And not just “another”; there have been numerous unreported ones (to this blog anyway) so this is now my fifth or six in as many months- I don’t even remember anymore. Finally, I think my right wrist is finally deciding that typing as quickly as I do is no fun anymore, and whispers of carpal tunnel pain are shooting up from the joint. All in all, it seems to me, it’s time for a big, fat vacation.

Alas, instead, in two days, I’m going to have elective surgery. This time Wednesday morning, I’ll be walking into the eye institute, where they will strap me down, slice open my eyeballs, and shoot lasers into my eyes.

I’ve been doing all the crazy pre-op stuff required: hot compresses on my eyes, lid washes, lid massages, and twice daily doses of Theratears vitamins. I’ve been back to the eye institute for another pre-op appointment, and also back to my eye doctor who had to do a final check on my prescription to make sure that nothing whatsoever had shifted in the last three months, and all of it checked out. So, it’s really happening. I don’t really think I’m the elective surgery type, and I’m not even sure exactly WHY I’m doing this anymore, other than my deep hatred of contacts and glasses, as well as the freedom I need from such trappings to really do relief work. But it’s almost as if I made the decision to do this, and so I’m jolly well going to go through with it. The possible complications are horrendous, but… but if I can wake up in a few days and see well enough not to run into walls, I’ll consider that a thing of such tremendous beauty that it makes all of it worth it- the $50 eye drops, the three trips to Berkeley, the $4000, the 24 hours of goggle-wearing, the 4 weeks of no contact sports (what exactly is included in “contact sports”?), the post-op hours of worry, etc.

For a couple of days I am not allowed to read, and therefore I’m also not allowed to write. Perhaps this will be a good rest for my wrist, although even a full weekend does not seem to improve it on a Monday morning.

What does improve a Monday morning? Waking up with warm arms wrapped fully around me and a cat spooned next to my belly. Waking up and not being able to move, because two living creatures, in that moment, want to be as close to me as possible. And then getting up, starting my days, and hours later, still feeling that warmth. These things I do not take for granted.