capacity

Posted May 9th, 2006 by Michelle

I left work today at 5:24. I know this because it was such an anomaly. I came home, did some prep for dinner, and then took a book and a beer out to the creek and tucked in for an hour of reading on a reclining lawn chair. The slightly crazy cat lady from down the block was wandering through my yard, calling “Charlie, Charlie!” Apparently one of her cats, who has never stepped foot outdoors in ten years, escaped, and she was beside herself. I came in, made dinner, and did one of my most favorite pastimes: putzed. I have a deep love of putzing, of doing small things to put my house in order.

I thought about working on my puzzle, but it was started by the guy I stopped seeing a few weeks ago and its appeal has waned. Instead, I curled up on the couch, and my cat curled up on me, and I read.

This all may sound terribly boring, but for me, it was long and lovely. I usually do not leave work until 6 or 7, sometimes even as late as 8 or 9, which means I work, roughly, ten hour days- and that does not count the work I continue to do via email when I come home.

My point is this: my professional life is going gangbusters. But it is doing so at the expense of my personal life. I met a very nice young man this weekend, and as we spent a full day talking and sharing about our lives, he kept commenting on how busy I seem to be. I think he was trying to feel out if there was any space in my life for the likes of him. I, too, wonder exactly the same thing. Do I work so much and so hard because it is the main love in my life right now? What would it look like to love my job, AND love a life partner? How good could I be at both? And what would happen if, even if just for a short time, I gave my personal life the focus I give my work life? And I don’t just mean romantic relationships; I mean friendships, relationships in my family, relationships with my neighbors and colleagues.

I have a coach in my life right now who continually amazes me with her capacity to love. Sometimes I feel saturated, overwhelmed with the numbers and depth of the issues and people who I believe need my focus, everyone from local artists to refugees in Darfur. My coach, however, has what feels like this ever-expanding heart. When I am with her, she is so totally focused on me, even though there are literally hundreds of other people in her life who depend on her for so much. And I watch her be the same way with every person she cares about. It’s inspiring, and humbling, because there have been times that I’ve literally thrown up my hands in protection and said, “No! Don’t tell me! I can’t take on one more thing!”

But now I realize that the same thing, in a small way, is happening to me. The more I creak open my life to fit in another person, or even just an hour with someone I’ve not connected with recently, the more I feel able to let in another, and another. I’m glad to be out of my last mini-relationship, but it taught me that I do actually want that in my life. And I wonder what it would look like if, just for, say, two weeks, I said “yes” to every invitation, as well as “yes” to every person who truly needed me, even if just a little bit.

Maybe I don’t yet know what I really want in my life. But maybe, for the first time, I finally want to know.