melting

Posted July 22nd, 2006 by Michelle

I finally had the wherewithal to take the kitty litter and canned turkey back to Trader Joe’s yesterday. The checkout woman started crying after I told her the reason for the return- apparently she had just gone through the same thing. Yeesh. It’s a difficult thing, and I still keep thinking I hear him at night or see him from the corner of my eye on one of the chairs. I really miss him. And it probably doesn’t help that everything is a little left of center right now. But I really miss him.

At the same time, maybe he knew to just take off in time to miss this heat wave. He was never a big fan of this kind of heat. A few summers ago, when I was living with my friend Hayley in New York, and I was out on a date, she was home alone watching a movie (with both Fezzik and Zooey) and she realized they were panting. It was one of those horrifically hot & humid New York nights, and they were clearly suffering. So she went to the corner bodega and got three blocks of ice. When she got home, she lay them all on the floor and placed Fezzik on one, Zooey on the second, and she sat on the third. And from all reports, everyone was much happier.

There is a relationship in my life that is very much in transition, and it is leaving me very unsettled. Not a romantic relationship, but a significant relationship nonetheless, and this uncertainty – and a pulling away by both parties – makes me wonder what is possible. I think both of us know each other a little better, and I’m not sure either of us likes what we see. And I’m not sure what that means. There was a kind of magic and now, I think, for both of us, it’s mostly disappointment. Or- grief, or something, I don’t know, but I need to find a way to make peace with it.

In fact, I could say that many of my relationships, important relationships, particularly professional, are in transition, and so the loss of my cat is perhaps all the more difficult. I no longer know where my foundation is, my emotional center; I no longer know who all is on my team. But maybe this will help me build a stronger team. It’s strange, though, to think you have trust, and then after a good period of time to find out otherwise. One thing I do know at this moment, though, and it scares me a little bit: I’m losing heart. I am deeply questioning what I am doing. And I don’t know what I want to do.