little ones

Posted December 16th, 2006 by Michelle

It’s hard to write about being away from Sean & Jordi during the birth of their first son, but, well, here I am. I’m going to be in New York in four days, but that’s four days from holding little Barnaby who has already staked quite a claim on my heart. I’ve been seriously thinking about how this is possible, from so far away, but it is, simply. The same with Lucy- I see her so rarely, but this sweet girl…

I claim for my own. Not “mine”, just part of my clan, part of my fierce love. And part of the reason I need to make this world a better place to live.

Even with my heartache, my longing to be with the Williams little ones, I’ve found a new sort of peace these last three days. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but I’m ready to start making decisions based on life as I know it, rather than hope. I don’t know that hope alone actually changes anything, and I don’t know that hope actually alters outcomes, but I do know that action is just that- it’s change, it’s movement, and it’s all I can control. I can’t control who falls into my life, I can’t control people’s reactions towards me, but I can control how I spend my days, and I can try to shape what lingers in my mind.

I spent this evening with part of my California family, otherwise known as Punky and Matty.

These are the kind of friends one prays for, if one were the praying type. It’s less painful to be away from my blood when I have friends like these. And terrific lipstick. But these next few days are going to be distracted and strange, waiting for the moment that I can be with Sean, and the baby boy who, in my mind, has been waiting to hang out with Sean for a long time.

Four days. Even I, the least patient woman this side of the Mississippi, can wait four days. Maybe.