Lately…

Posted June 28th, 2005 by Michelle

I didn’t take a lunch break at work today, so rather than running off to the gym, I am taking the time to use a functioning computer to finally, alas, blog. It’s been a nutty month, but things are really only interesting in the moment, so I won’t regale cyberspace with tales of days gone past.

My birthday, however, was extraordinary- pics to follow, if my laptop ever decides to behave again. The pirate pool party was fabulous silliness, and the peaceful days off that followed were equally wonderful. My life has changed much since my last birthday, and I’m very, very thankful for what’s happened, and what continues to happen.

I learned yet another major lesson over the last twenty-four hours, and that is what to say- and what NOT to say- to the press. I was all over this weekend’s paper, and most of it was good stuff, but one of my quotes ruffled some major feathers in my community and I had some explaining to do- namely, that the quote was taken out of context, and included to incite conflict. But it was interesting to discover the caliber of folk who took issue with my quote- interesting to discover they actually cared what I think. And what I say. But, as with all things when you are above board, it only improved relations in the end… although I did lose precious sleep over it last night.

And tonight is my first meeting of a year-long leadership program in which I’m participating. I’ll be meeting the handful of fellow participants as well as all the mentors who will be working with us. I am very excited about this program and I hope to be able to write about it candidly. This is just an informal meet-and-greet, but in a couple of weeks we take a week-long retreat on the Sonomoa coast and get down to business. And, yes, they pay me for this stuff. Amazing, right? I mean, I’m paid peanuts, but they are keeping the bowl full while I’m gone for a week at the coast learning to be a better leader. Or at least, that’s the hope.

I hope further that my computer starts to work, and that the hot lawyer guy works out, and that I raise tens of thousands of dollars in the near future, and that I learn how to secure corporate funding for my non-profit. That’s all for now.

Thank you all for your birthday wishes. That pic of me on Ian’s blog is terrifying. I totally remember that doll- I loved it to pieces.

Posted June 25th, 2005 by Michelle

So I’ve been a terrible blogger, eh? Well, most of the fault lies with my computer, which about three weeks ago decided to start freezing, like mad, and it’s been in and out of the shop a number of times, and now that it has a new hard drive and new ram, it’s freezing more than ever, which means I don’t know if I’ll even get this post finished. It’s terribly frustrating to write your heart out and have your computer freeze and to lose everything. That’s been my life lately. Plus, I haven’t been home much, and boy does my one-eared cat get pathetic when I’m gone too long.

Birthday month has been strange, wondrous, sad, and fabulous, depending on the day. There is something about actually getting close to the day of my birth- as opposed to just beginning birthday month- that leaves me a little blue. Maybe it’s that every year, I think things are going to be drastically different the next year, but the next year, I’m still me, so things haven’t really changed much.

I have to keep this short, since I’m about thirty seconds from a freeze. I find myself strangely unable, for once, to broadcast either my successes or disappointing failures, but don’t worry- both are happening in spades.

I’m almost thirty-three years old.

the really big news

Posted June 5th, 2005 by Michelle

So, yeah, I mean, Lucy’s *cute* and all, but somehow, the really important PSA has yet to hit cyber-space, so allow me to do the honors.

Ahem.

It’s….. BIRTHDAY MONTH!!

That’s right- it’s June, and we all know what that means. Four full weeks of festivities to celebrate the day I was born. It’s not all necessarily about me- it’s about all of creation celebrating this glorious month. Years past have included spa days, trips to the beach, hooky from work, parties, trips to Magic Mountain, and general feelings of joy and contentedness. This year will be no different, and all you folks who don’t live in California will have to invent your own fun.

Birthday Month 2005 will include after-school pool parties, trips to various pubs in San Francisco, hikes, day trips, horseback riding, and massages, all leading up to the 26th of this month when, if I’ve heard correctly, we shall all dress up as pirates for the big event. If you’ve ever considered visiting the sunshine state, now might be the time.

In other news, I worked the Napa Valley Wine Auction tonight, where we raised… wait for it… ten million dollars. Did you catch that? Ten. Million. Dollars. One lot went for $650,000.00. One lot. I’d like to point out that that one lot could fund my entire organization for three years. You are wondering, I’m sure, what percentage of that ten million will go to support the arts in Napa Valley. The arts will get exactly… wait for it… 0.0%. Yep, not one red cent, not one wee penny. The arts get a lump of coal.

And with that, I leave you to figure out how you, too, will celebrate birthday month. It only comes once a year! Don’t miss it!

my own personal jartacular

Posted June 3rd, 2005 by Michelle

A week in New York is nothing more than a tease, but the Jartacular proved to be as fabulous as ever. However, if you aren’t in the mood to see pictures of a baby laughing, you might as well go back to that knitting blog.

The weekend was one of beautiful babies, fun, pool, and beer, not necessarily all at the same time. It was amazing to finally meet sweet Lucy, who has more personality at five weeks than most adults I know.

Lucy spends lots of time looking at Tessa, particulary when lunchtime nears.

Lucy also spent lots of time sleeping on Gramma- two separated generations of beautiful Williamses.

Meanwhile… out in the barn, Seth was enlivining all fun and games…

…Ian was enjoying the scotch…

and I was in my natural habitat.

But nothing compared to time spent with the little one, whose smiles, snorts, and coos are sweet enough to solve all of the world’s problems.

Happy…

Happier…

Huzzah!

*Sigh*. Why does the Jartacular only happen once a year?

and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

Posted May 30th, 2005 by Michelle

Strangely enough, the internet at Ian and Tessa’s farmhouse is not cooperating, and so here I write into a Word document rather than my usual tempting of fate, writing directly on the Blogger server. I don’t really enjoy writing blogs this way; it weirdly takes out the immediacy I feel when I’m writing directly on the ether-world of cyber-space. This feels way too permanent. Also, I hate how Word doesn’t recognize “blog” or “email” as valid spellings. I mean, really.

I’m sitting in my usual bed here at the farm, once again looking at the far side of midnight, even though tonight there is no one to play pool and drink beer with and to keep me up until dawn. Instead, it is sweet baby Lucy’s laundry and dinner for her mom and dad and time spent with all the above that kept me up tonight. And what a blessing. Ian, Tess, Lucy and I went on a walk today that was the highlight of the whole weekend- and that is saying MUCH. It was stunning, breezy, sunny and sweet, and we walked by the house I’m going to buy someday- the white house with black shutters and a sun room and a porch painted sky blue on the ceiling, just in case the hue of the day is grey. But no grey today- just more beauty and wonder and reflection on yet another fabulous weekend here. It is so damn great to be here, to see all these people and sleep four to a room and remember what the dawn looks like from this side of the day. But it also reminds me- cements in me- the wants I have in my own life, and what it might take to get from here to there.

Only a day and a half left in New York- never, never enough time.

When I first got up to the farmhouse on Friday, I ran gleefully up the hill, cartwheeled about, ran down and into the barn where I breathed in the memory of dozens of parties, conversations, pool games, dinners, songs, kisses, and so very much more. You may say I’m sentimental or silly- I don’t mind. This here is sacred ground.

Happy Birthday, EEYUN!

Posted May 26th, 2005 by Michelle

I have no pictures of my brother Ian to post on this, his holiest of days (except, perhaps, the day a few weeks ago when his first child was born). But boy will I have pics after the Jartacular this weekend! And really, in my world, birthdays last for roughly a month or so (we are about to enter my very own birthday season: the month of June) so the celebrations continue. Happy Birthday, Ian- may it continue to get better and better.

Love,
Michelle

home

Posted May 25th, 2005 by Michelle

It’s strange to be back in New York, not having been here in five months, which is the longest I’ve been away since moving here in August of 2000. Stranger still to be here on exactly no sleep and to come straight to Sean and Jordi’s new home, which is expansive and wonderful and homey, even if it doesn’t yet feel that way to them. There are, indeed, many boxes, and exposed beams and spots needing paint and trim, but it’s really quite extraordinary- and that’s without me having seen the outside yet (it’s raining like crazy here, and cold, and who needs to go outside anyway).

I think the only way I could come back and have the kind of trip I wanted would be to be here for a solid month. Or, you know, move back, but I’m not ready to do that just yet. There are so many people I want to see, but at the heart of it all is my family, who I simply want to see more. Adding Lucy to the mix makes the draw, the homing beacon, all the stronger. I’m sort of stunned that I still haven’t met her, and I kind of can’t believe I have to wait a whole nother day and a half to do so. But soon, my sweet.

I have a picture of Lucy on the desktop of my computer, the one where she is postively guffawing, and as I was shutting down the movie I was watching as the plane started to descend, the very sweet older couple next to me said, “Oh, is that your daughter?” And I said, no, it was my brother’s, and that I was coming to meet her for the first time.

I guess it’s obvious why, but I’ve been thinking about having kids a lot lately, and as much as I want my brothers to all squeeze out sweet little chickens for me to covet and love, I’m sort of awed by the prospect of doing it myself. I mean, the fact that I would truly be doing it *by myself* right now is awesome enough, but then I think about the fact that having a baby is not just having a baby, but making a life-long committment to love and support another human being that will be largely helpless for the first several years of its life and it makes me reel with the weight of responsibility. Maybe it would be different if I could conceive of having a partner in that responsibility, but even then… I mean, there really is no question- I want to have kids, and glacially speaking I want to have them soon. But the idea of it also absolutely stops me in my tracks. And scares me like hell.

So, instead, for now, I hope to meet and love Lucy, and Jackson and Lyra and all the other lovely beings that have just joined us here. For now, I’ll love other people’s babies… and wonder and think and prepare and dream of my own.

measurements

Posted May 18th, 2005 by Michelle

I went to the dentist today, and as I was lying in the chair with long, sharp objects in my mouth, I heard a woman’s voice say, “Is that Michelle Williams?” I moaned an assent, and she came and towered over me- a hygenist or something, in full dental regalia- and said, “You don’t know me but I’ve heard about you and I’m just so glad about what you’re doing with the arts. This town is lucky to have you.” I moaned an acknowledgement- how could she know that my blood pressure was through the roof with fear, my right arm was asleep, and my right foot cramping something fiecre? (I kid you not. It was the most painful dental experience I’ve had in years, simply due to the cramp.) I suppose the point here, though, is that while it’s awfully nice to have someone say that, it also feels like… I don’t know. Pressure of a strange kind. So many people in this valley have told me how lucky we are to have my father here, and what he’s done for arts and culture, and now people are saying it to me, and it just really makes me think.

It makes me think about intention versus accomplishment. Yes, there are great things in the works, with which I’m involved, but what has been *accomplished*? It also makes me wonder what it would be like to have someone say that to me in a very different setting, i.e. somewhere where I’m affecting the lives of the truly unfortunate, as opposed to the slightly disenfranchised but reasonably well-off.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s wonderful to hear such things, and renews my commitment because it means I truly am affecting positive change. But it is also always a reality check. If you aren’t an artist, you won’t understand how little it means when someone in the audience comments on your work. Of course, you want them to comment, and you worry when they don’t, but whatever they say is largely meaningless. The want for them to comment is more just a verification of existence- that they showed up, that you really did the work you were supposed to do- but you know EXACTLY how good or how mediocre your work was that particular night, or in that particular piece, and what anyone else says about it is prattle. just noise. I know exactly what I am and am not accomplishing, I know how often my phone rings, I know how often I’m left out or looked over, I know what is happening. I know when I fail and succeed on tiny levels every day. I know when I’ve really put the hours in, or when I’ve whittled away an afternoon. I know.

When I bought my car, the pathetic fartknocker who was trying to wheedle more money out of me was also hitting on me while ALSO trying to get my advice on becoming an actor. It was repulsive on every level. He was asking me about my work (far more impressed with bad extra work in Hollywood than off-Broadway in New York) and telling me that he felt he could really “channel the angry stuff” and all sort of sickening clueless crap. At one point, he said, “So what do I do? How do I become an actor?” And I looked at him, controlled the seething, savage hatred I was feeling, and said, simply, “Go to class.” “What?” “Go to class. Learn. Start with a very basic acting class. There’s tons of them around here in the Bay Area. Go to class.” And he laughed out loud and said, “Class? No, I mean, don’t I just show up at auditions, and, like, when they say to act *mad*, I act *mad*, right? I think I’m gonna be really good at that stuff.”

I mean, I hardly even know what to say. Sean could rant about this far better than I, but the fact is, people know exactly nothing about most things, me included, so when a random person tells me I’m doing a good job, I sure as hell better not let that be a metric by which I gauge my success.

In other news, a week from tonight, I’ll be in New York! Huzzah!

Posted May 16th, 2005 by Michelle

I’m really confused about this movie being advertised on TV right now called “Tidal Wave: No Escape” or something to that affect. Um, pardon me, but is this something that we need to see in a movie? Could we not, if we found hundreds of thousands of people dying in tidal waves amusing, just search the internet for home footage of this past December’s tsunami? Wouldn’t that be easier, and *more dramatic* since it actually happened? I’d love to know the original release date for this made-for-TV movie. I bet it was in December, but they couldn’t really show it then, right? Who sat at the meeting when it was decided how many months needed to pass before the tsunami dropped out of the collective consciousness of us oh-so-brilliant Americans? They were probably pissed because there were so many darn *relief* shows and Red Cross fundraisers that it took us *weeks* before we utterly forgot about it… and therefore were ready and willing to palate a movie so banal, stupid, and unforgiveable.

I seem to be one of the few people who caught the very early Spiderman previews four years ago. There was this incredible scene where the bad guys were getting away in a plane, but then they hit this huge web which stretched and stretched, then catapulted them back- but they were stuck fast in the web, and as the camera panned back you saw that the web was woven between the two towers of the World Trade Center. It was gorgeous, and in my opinion, a loving, stunning tribute. But it was made before the towers crumbled, and thought insensitive, and cut from the film. THAT’S insensitive- reminding us that those towers once stood, that they were beautiful and strong- but showing a pathetic made-for-TV flick about people drowning in a tidal wave is AMUSING.

Tonight’s post was supposed to be a photoblog covering the last couple of weeks of my life- a wonderful week-long visit from my best friend in the whole wide world, the bluejay that has taken to harassing my cat, my friend Mollie back from Argentina, my friend Russ visiting from New York, and the crazy dividing daisy, but I just can’t concentrate on any of that stuff.

Okay, maybe I can share the crazy dividing daisy:

Check it out! The daisy on the left is normal, but the one on the right is slowly splitting in two. It’s like daisy cell division. Today, four days after I took this pic, it’s even more separate, as if it was trying to fully split, and also it’s dying. Now that’s just crazy.

Musings

Posted May 1st, 2005 by Michelle

I’m having a slightly profound Sunday. So many strange things are happening to me, but these strange things are so small, that I’m sitting here in the fading sunlight wondering how to process them. And they are not even happening specifically at this moment, but sort of in lyfe in genrul, to quote Depeche Mode.

I’ve made peace with the universe that I will not see baby Lucy for a few more weeks. I’ve made peace with myself, figuring that self-love is way more fun than self-hatred. (Not that this isn’t a battle I’ll fight every day, but it seems worth fighting.) I’m close to making a decision about the next year of my life professionally. I sang at an event today, and although I was singing at about 70%, I decided afterwards that that was okay, that I’ll sing better next time. (And, to be honest, no one noticed I was singing at 70%.) And I’ve decided to fully wrap my arms around living in this gorgeous place. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, so it seems high time to lean into it and enjoy it as much as possible. I want to look back at my time here and know that I went on every hike, tried every wine, smelled every flower, and played a hell of a lot of pool. I want to look back at this time and think, “Oh yeah- that’s when I figured out what I want to do for a fair amount of my life, and that’s when I started running, and that’s when I got all my confidence back, and that’s when I remembered that there is exactly nothing I can’t do, which I forgot when I was about thirteen”.

My bestest friend Stacey is coming for a visit next weekend, and I’m taking some time off of work to be with her. I’m going back to New York to see Sean and Jordi’s new place, and Ian and Tessa’s new, well, YOU know, over Memorial Day. I’m stupid with happiness about all of these events, and more staggering still, what’s happening at work is almost as exciting. Which makes me think I might be lucky enough to keep doing it for the rest of this year.

So I’m sitting in the fading sunlight, half-reading a book about day hikes in Napa Valley, and I’m taking inventory of the good things in my life.

If you don’t have family like I have family, then I wish you could spend a day in my shoes. I wish everyone in the entire world could know what it’s like to have so many interesting, wonderful people love you.